Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
