He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
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