You can't special order awesome
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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