just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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