Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
