why didn't you poke me back
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize