I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
