It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Randomize
