just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
