True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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