now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
