someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize
