R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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