forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
