Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
