My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Randomize
