I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
