did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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