yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
