If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
