I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
