I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Randomize
