She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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