Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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