2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Randomize
