when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize