Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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