My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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