god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
