So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
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