We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
