At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
