my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
