We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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