I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
