It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
