***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Randomize
