I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
