I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
