The maid of honor just puked.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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