I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
