my mouth tastes like poor choices
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
