Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I AM VODKA MAN
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Randomize