Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
