she looked like the before picture.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
This beer is not sobering me up at all
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
