hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
