I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
