well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
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