So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
