Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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