Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
