there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
No subtext here. People are naked.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I didn't notice because vodka
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
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