we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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