Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
my liver is dry heaving
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Randomize