Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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