Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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