I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Redeem this text for a blowjob
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
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